Author: Marty The Pizza Guy…
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Writing is Hard (Advice For New Writers)…
Blogging is a weird game. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t. If you’ve ever walked around a in a big city or tourist area, you’ve probably seen a wide variety of street performers fighting for your attention (and money). Everywhere you turn there is someone doing something pointless or stupid, just wanting you to stop…
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Motivation (or, lack of)
In the 1800’s, pioneers in the United States packed up their lives, leaving everything behind to head west. They braved unbelievable hardships, often fighting for their lives each day. They fought cold, heat, starvation, violent attacks, and extreme boredom, yet they managed to push through it all because they knew a better life awaited them.…
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The Sad Truth About Statistics
When we think about “acceptable” numbers in our lives, life can be pretty scary. In a perfect world, 100% of something would provide assurance. If we board an airplane, we’d like to know 100% of the parts work. We’d like to know 100% of the passengers have been checked for weapons. We’d like to think…
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Common Sense, or Not…
I went in to a fast food restaurant to get a drink. I only ordered a fountain drink. Just a cup of soda, which I’d have to fill myself at the self-service dispenser. The teen-age cashier hands me a cup and lid, then asks, “Is this for here or to go?” I said, “It’s a…
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More Random Life Advice
If you have a dog, you need a good vacuum cleaner! It never fails to amaze me how much dog hair I pick up, and I vacuum at least weekly. Based on the amount of hair I pick up, you would think my dog should be bald, but he always seems to have plenty more…
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Stop Eating Appetizers!
Why do you want to fill up on something before your dinner arrives? The concept of appetizers simply doesn’t make sense. It makes me wonder why anyone would eat a salad while waiting for a pizza. It makes me wonder (and pains my heart) why anyone would eat anything while waiting for a pizza (or…
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I Voted, Because I Can…
It’s not about who I’m voting for. It’s about the fact I CAN vote. I wrote this on November 2nd, 2021. It was an off cycle election day in the United States, meaning it wasn’t a presidential vote, or anything else major like congressional or senate choices. Some places were voting for mayors, or governors,…
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I Got a Cheese Slicer From Tajikistan
Every once in a while, I get random things delivered to my house that I did not order. Some people might find this annoying, but I find it entertaining. I routinely get mail delivered to my house that is not addressed to me. This type of mail is an understandable mistake because people lived in…
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Where Is Everyone Going?
There are always plenty of people driving on roads and highways, and there are always lots of people out walking around, but where is everybody going? They can’t all be going to work. They can’t all be going to school. They can’t all go to Walmart. They can’t all be at the pool. They can’t…
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Lazy People Are Hindering Me
People not wanting to work is interfering with my pizza eating… One of my co-workers ordered pizza for a lunch meeting. After waiting over an hour for the delivery, I called the store to see where our food was. The manager apologized for the delay, saying they did not have any delivery drivers. Ummm… Maybe…
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How Long Does It Take to Forget?
2021 marks the 20th anniversary of the tragic events of 9/11/01, but many have already forgotten that day. In the days and months that followed the attacks of September 11th, 2001, there was no other topic in the world. Everything was focused on the horrible things that occurred. In the years following, recovery was still…
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Do We Really Need More Friends?
If nothing else good came out of 2020, at least I know who my real friends are. I can’t tell you how many people “unfriended” me in 2020. Whether it was over politics, covid-19, vaccinations, Black Lives Matter, Afghanistan, the Polish economy, or whatever, I seemingly offended people to the point they didn’t want me…
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Covid Finally Hits Home
Everyone has been affected by by Covid-19 in different ways. For me, something tragic happened that was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. We knew Covid-19 would cause sickness. We knew it would cause death. We knew it would cause disruptions and chaos in our world, but for me, the unthinkable happened. My favorite…
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More First World Problems.
If I only had a little bit more money to spend frivolously… I found a television that I want. Or maybe I should say, a television that I NEED. It was on sale for $29,995, marked down from $35,995. It cost that much because it was an 88″ OLED 8K unit.. I would literally need…
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The Internet Wouldn’t Lie
There are times in life when you know you’re right… You’re sitting around with your friends having an argument about something pointless and stupid. At some point in the conversation, someone says, “Dude, you’re wrong.” Determined to prove you’re right, you proclaim, “It’s on the internet. I’ll prove it!” Despite the fact there may be…
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No One Is Ever Happy…
No matter what happens, there will always be something to complain about in life. This is especially true when it comes to the weather. I live in the Midwest United States, right in the heart of America. We have crazy weather swings of hot and cold, wet and dry, and everything in between. It’s not…
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What Happens When You Stop Complaining?
Sometimes you just need to ignore the world… It’s been a very long time since since I last posted an article. Days and weeks and months (and more months) went by since my last writing (Did anyone even notice or care I wasn’t around?). I have no valid reason other than I just didn’t feel…
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Does Anyone Still Call In Pizza Orders?
Once upon a time in our recent history we actually talked to people on the phone. Not anymore. Long before the days or Doordash or Grub Hub, I can remember when I actually had to make a call to order food. When online pizza ordering was first being implemented I kept asking myself, WHY? I…
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The Not So Super Bowl Halftime Show
Super Bowl halftime shows are supposed to be a big deal as it’s a time to show the world some amazing talent. Sadly, we’re often left with something controversial or mediocre. Usually I have some negative commentary to say about declining morals and values after watching the halftime shows, but this year wasn’t horrible. It…
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Money, Money, Money…
With it being tax season in the United States, it’s a time to think about how much money we have, or don’t have. What sucks most about tax time is reflecting on how much money we made over the course of the year, but our bank account doesn’t seem to reflect that amount. It happens…
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The Dumpster Fire Rages On…
I’ve been asked why I haven’t written much lately. The short answer is I’ve been playing ostrich the last few months with my head in a hole wondering why the worst reality show in history got renewed for another season. By reality show, I mean the world we’re living in… I usually feel like my…
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Life Ruined: Gummy Bears Are NOT a Fruit
Sometimes things happen in life that are so disturbing your entire existence is altered. This was one of those times. Shortly after Christmas, I was looking for bargains on the clearance rack in a store. To my surprise, I found a package of name brand Christmas gummy bears, for 75% off. This was no ordinary…
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Do You Remember How To Use a VCR?
In my latest installment of, “Kids don’t know how good they have it today”, I was thinking about days past when you had to program a VCR to record a TV show. I was a kid in the 1980’s, so I wasn’t allowed to stay up late. Unfortunately, there were TV shows I really wanted…
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How My True Calling In Life Relates To Pizza
Think back to the classic 80’s movie, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure… In the movie, a future society needed Bill and Ted to use their musical talents to save their world. I envision something similar happening in my life. At some point (hopefully soon), I truly believe I’m going to be contacted by time travelers…
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My Anger With the Teletubbies
The Teletubbies had 5 years to respond to my letters, but never did. That’s not cool. I wrote multiple letters to Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po between 1997 and 2001. They never replied to any of them. I sent autograph requests as well as notes of admiration, but I never got so much as…
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September 10th, 2001 was the last “normal” day for America.
Those who experienced the tragic events of September 11th, 2001 will always remember exactly what they were doing when they heard the news of the attacks on America. The feelings we experienced will be forever ingrained in our minds as if they happened yesterday… Like the attack on Pearl Harbor and the assassination on John…
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Why Do We Care What Celebrities and Athletes Think?
Unless they’re talking about pizza or their given professions, the public really shouldn’t care much about what celebrities and professional sports figures have to say, especially when it comes to politics and current events of the world… It bothers me tremendously when I hear these people voicing their opinions about world affairs. What makes them…
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Cats and Pizza Do NOT Go Together
I received an e-mail today from Sarpino’s Pizza with this ad shown. It was promoting international cat day, with a special on pizzas. Maybe my sick and twisted mind misinterpreted this, but whoever wrote this ad obviously didn’t put much thought into it. The simple fact here is whether cat is on the pizza or…
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Why I Talk About Pizza All The Time
I’m like Indiana Jones, but instead of looking for crystal skulls, I search the world for the perfect pizza. Indy shared his stories of his travels, as do I. My stories just happen to involve pizza. Is that really such a bad thing? Some people drink alcohol, others do drugs. I eat pizza. Why? Because…
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The Real Pandemic: Lack of Logic
The world worries about getting infected by covid-19, but there is another pandemic that seems to be spreading much faster: Ignorance and Stupidity. If you’re wondering what the difference is between ignorance and stupidity, ignorance implies a lack of knowledge. Stupidity is having the knowledge, but not using it. I’ll let you draw your own…
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The Positive Side of COVID-19
Covid-19 seemed to hit a virtual “reset” button for humanity, causing some things which might make life a little better in the long run (if humans are smart enough to see it). Millions of people in the United States are experiencing the side effects of the disease outbreak, but even in total darkness there is…
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If I Have to Wear a Mask…
Seeing how I’m told I must wear a mask, I may as well have some fun with it. On my daughter’s first day of high school, I said I was going to dress up like Batman and stand outside of the school waiting for her at dismissal. I thought her friends would think it was…
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Another of Life’s Big Questions
If you’re not going to eat your pizza crusts, why would you order bread sticks??? I’ve seen it more times than I care to admit. Someone orders a pizza, but while waiting for it to come out of the oven they order bread sticks as an appetizer. The sticks might be garlic bread, sometimes cheesy…
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World Problems Solved…
With all the anger, frustration and craziness in the world, there is a simple solution to our problems: We need more pizza. Pizza = Happy It’s that simple. When you eat pizza, you’re happy. A good pizza will make even the most angry or sad person smile. I hereby call out to governments of the…
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The Jetsons Were Psychic
The classic Hanna-Barbera TV cartoon, The Jetsons, was based in the year 2020. Now that 2020 is here, how much of what we saw on the show is actually real? The Jetsons originally aired in the early 1960s, before being revamped in the 1980s. The show offered a fun glimpse into what the producers imagined…
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Really Stupid Research Studies
Some researchers have way too much time on their hands, as shown by some of the studies referenced here. A major TV news outlet recently ran a story reporting findings which showed the number of school shootings are down tremendously in 2020, with the largest drop occurring in April. Umm, could that be because most…
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Did You Know There Was a Pizza Shortage?
Thanks to the hoarding craziness of Covid-19 and the quarantine, pizza was almost a rarity. When the quarantine first began in March of 2020, I’ll admit I did do a little grocery shopping in fear of being locked in my house for 30 days. I didn’t give in to the toilet paper hype, but I…
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Appreciating Those Who Deserve Thanks
Since the covid-19 breakout, lots of people, and occupations, are receiving public thanks for all they do to help others, but shouldn’t these people be appreciated everyday? Hospital workers, police officers, firefighters, paramedics/EMTs, truck drivers, store workers, and so on, and so on… The media keeps talking about the “brave” workers who show up for…
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The Enviromental Disaster Known as My Yard
Some people spend time beautifying their yards because it’s relaxing. I spend time in my yard cleaning up trash, and it’s anything but relaxing. To preface this story, let me just say the trash is NOT mine. A couple years back I bought an “as is” house. If you don’t know, that means the seller…
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How Will You Spend Your Stimulus Money?
With the US Government sending out checks to help stimulate the economy, have you thought about where your money will go? For those who are out of work and needed this money to pay rent, buy food, or just survive in general, I feel for you and I’m glad you got it, but for many…