Don’t Invite Pizza Eating Rats Into Your House

When a pizza restaurant has a rat as a mascot, you should probably be concerned. When they want to send the rat to your house with a pizza, you should probably be more concerned.

The national franchise featuring the rat is Chuck E. Cheese, a place popular with little kids who have not yet developed their taste buds. It’s filled with flashy lights, video games, and assorted other “entertainment” meant to amuse the little ones for obnoxious birthday parties. Chuck E. Cheese appeals to children because very few sane adults would dare indulge in a meal there willingly.

Let’s face it – kids will eat pretty much any pizza put in front of them. For adults, Chuck E. Cheese may not be the go-to dinner spot (unless you get dragged there by young kids), but there is a bit of nostalgia for us older folk thinking back to the days when it was actually fun to go there before we realized just how annoying the place is and how bad the food tastes (we didn’t really know any better as kids).

Anyway, on a chilly December day in 2022, I found myself shopping in a local grocery store. I tend to check the frozen pizza aisle periodically to see if there is anything new, because while I do consider myself to be a pizza snob, I am a cheap pizza snob, and I’m sometimes forced to lower my standards on occasion due to my not wanting to spend money.

As I passed a freezer, something colorful caught my eye. It was a new box I had not seen before, and I was drawn to to it. As I got closer, I saw it was a Chuck E. Cheese frozen pizza. At first I was confused, and slightly disturbed, but then curiosity got the best of me. Like a train wreck, I couldn’t take my eyes off this strange anomaly in the freezer.

I was debating whether or not I should try one for what was seemingly an eternity. As I stood there staring blankly into the freezer, other shoppers wandered by, probably wondering what was wrong with me (which wouldn’t be the first time), but I couldn’t move because a variety of thoughts were running through my mind.

The rational voices in my head were telling me the restaurant pizza was never that good, so why would I think a frozen would be any better? The irrational voice said, “But it’s on sale, try it!” As with many of my questionable life choices, I sided with the irrational voice and tossed one into my cart.

As I continued through the store, I considered putting it back multiple times before checking out and going home. When I arrived at home, I put the box on the counter and again stared at it, asking myself, “Why did I do this?”, but there was no turning back at that point. I was committed to what I had done. I heated up the oven then did the deed, placing the pizza inside and cooking it for the recommended time.

When I took it out of the oven, it sort of resembled a pizza. I say “sort of” because it surely didn’t look like the picture on the box, but I pressed on, slicing it up before proceeding to try a piece.

Before I continue, I must pause to say my pizza sampling skills are on par with the tongue of a master wine taster. I have a defined process to properly identify and classify all of the elements when trying a new pie. I first taste the cheese by itself, then the sauce, then a piece of the crust alone, before tasting them all together.

In this case, I was slightly confused because they all tasted the same. The piece was hot, so I thought maybe I burned my mouth causing my senses to be overloaded. I had a cold drink and waited a bit before trying again.

Once again, singular, and all together, the flavors were identical.

What was the flavor, you ask?

Cardboard.

Let me be more specific: Wet cardboard.

I’ve had some bad pizza in my time, but even when it was bad, it was still edible. This was not even edible. The box it came in probably would have had more flavor. As I thought of how Chuck E’s pizza tasted in the restaurant, this was not even close, even by the “kid who will eat anything” standard. The smile Chuck E. has on the box is one of taunting laughter at how stupid someone would be to buy this horrible misrepresentation of pizza.

BUT… Since I had never tried it, I had to try it.

You sometimes do silly things when you’re a pizza addict, but you live and learn (hopefully).

If a rat ever tries to get you to eat it’s pizza, kindly say no and keep moving.

You’ll thank me for the advice later.

~ Marty ~

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