Pizza is supposed to bring people together. Yet every day, someone, somewhere, becomes the victim of a pizza crime so outrageous it makes those around question humanity.
10. Showing Up After the Pizza Order is Paid
These people are never around when it’s time to order and pay, but they somehow appear just when the pizza arrives. “You guys ordered pizza? Cool! You don’t mind if I have a slice, do you?”
Yes, Chad. We do mind.
9. No Complaints About Free Pizza
If you didn’t pay or contribute toward the pizza, you don’t get to complain about where it’s from. When buying your own pizza, you can analyze reviews, compare crust styles, and debate whether an extra $8 for artisanal goat cheese is worth it, but the second someone walks into the room carrying free pizza, all those standards disappear. When someone generously provides pizza, there’s only one appropriate response, even if it’s not your favorite: “Thanks for the pizza.”
8. Touching Every Slice Before Choosing One
Pizza slices aren’t like a box of chocolates. Just pick one. You don’t need to conduct a quality control inspection on every slice in the box. If they were cooked together, the slices probably all taste the same.
7. Taking Two or Three Slices Before Everyone Gets One
Nothing reveals a person’s character faster than when the pizza box is opened and someone says “Go ahead, grab a slice.” Before everyone has even made it to the table, one person is already stacking slices like they’re preparing for winter.
6. Saying “I Only Want One Slice”
This person is always the biggest liar in the room. Nobody in recorded pizza history has accurately predicted how many slices they’re going to eat. The person who says they only want one slice rarely, if ever, eats only one slice.
5. Ordering a Salad then Eating the Pizza
We’ve all seen the person who says, “I’m trying to eat healthy. I’ll just have a salad.” Twenty minutes later they’re on their fourth slice and reaching for bread sticks as some are heading back to the box for second slice, only to find crumbs and crusts.
4. Taking the Biggest Slice
Some people approach a pizza box like they’re drafting first-round talent. They somehow locate the largest slice with military-grade precision and swipe it. This problem is partially the fault of the cutter who may need a geometry lesson, but as a general rule, the host, or purchaser of the pizza, should always get the biggest slice by default.
3. Taking a Slice, Eating Half, Then Abandoning It
This is where the pizza crimes become serious. Someone else would have happily eaten that all of that slice. Instead, you’ve left behind a half-eaten pizza orphan that nobody else wants to claim. This is especially an issue when dealing with expensive pizza and children are present.
2. Picking Toppings Off and Putting the Slice Back
“But I just wanted the cheese.” Umm, NO. If you’ve removed the pepperoni, mushrooms, onions, olives, or half the cheese, that slice belongs to you now.
You touched it, it’s yours now. You own it. You must eat it.
1. Taking the Last Slice Without Asking
The king of pizza crimes.
The last slice is sacred.
The last slice requires discussion.
The last slice requires diplomacy.
You don’t just grab it and walk away like you’ve discovered buried treasure.
Everyone in the room was watching that slice.
Everyone had plans for that slice.
And the second you take it without asking, you reveal exactly who you are as a person.
Pizza doesn’t create conflict. It reveals it.
Within five minutes of opening a pizza box, you’ll learn who’s selfish, who’s indecisive, who’s cheap, and who’s willing to risk lifelong friendships over the last slice, but that’s what makes pizza night special.
~ Marty ~
Words with Pizza - The Best Blog EVER! 
Leave a comment