Once upon a time in history, someone looked at dough, cheese, and tomato sauce and said, “Hear me out…” It was simple concept, but it worked, and, it changed many lives forever, including mine.
I love pizza. It’s one of humanity’s greatest achievements. It’s right up there with indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and duct tape. Pizza is marvel because it uses minimal ingredients to create one of the most delicious treats imaginable. It’s simplicity is it’s gift. That simplicity is now being threatened by pizza trends that going too far.
Things have changed…
Remember when pizza came in two basic categories? Thin crust or thick crust. Remember when someone asked what topping you wanted and the answer was simple? Cheese, pepperoni, or sausage. Maybe someone got a little wild and ordered mushrooms or anchovies, sometimes they might have doubled up the toppings, but ordering was so MUCH easier back in the day.
Now?
Menus have become impossible to read without a translator. Pizza now seems to be more about what will stir up Tik Tok views rather than staying true to the roots of pizza. Menus used to say, “Pepperoni Pizza.” Now it’s a bit different:
“A painstakingly curated Wood-fired wild-foraged blend of stone-milled, non-GMO heirloom Khorasan wheat, whisper-milled by a third-generation artisan using only the friction of French limestone, massaged gently with cold-pressed, estate-bottled extra-virgin Tuscan olive oil, harvested by monks who swear a vow of silence so as not to startle the olives, lovingly hydrated with reverse osmosis micro-filtered ionized, alkaline Antarctic glacier water dough featuring our signature heirloom herbal reduction sauce, and our chef-selected singular blend cheese derived exclusively from a closed herd of grass-fed, heritage Jersey cows who are rotationally grazed on alpine pastures and brushed daily with only boar-bristle brushes.”
You know what that tells me?
This pizza is going to cost $35, and I’ll probably still be hungry after eating it.
The use of labeling with terms like “signature”, “artisan”, “old world” , or the ever present “gourmet”, has gotten crazy. We used to just be able to say, “Hey, let’s get some pizza”, but that has taken on a whole new meaning. Instead of just being asked “Would you like extra cheese?”, we’re now faced with an overwhelming amount of options.
The following conversation is fictional, but not far fetched or exclusive to high end fancy restaurants. It could happen anywhere, even at any of the pizza chains:
Server: “What kind of crust would you like? We have chick pea crust, bagel crust, cauliflower crust, Cheez-It crust, pretzel crust, Ramen noodle crust, chicken crust, zucchini crust, gluten free…”
Me: (As I interrupt) “Um, I just regular plain pizza crust?”
Server: “Ooookay, what about sauce? We have alfredo, fig jam, coconut curry, pesto, Thai peanut sauce…”
Me: (As I interrupt again) “I just want good old fashioned red tomato sauce”
Server: “Now let’s talk cheese choices. We have burrata, provel, goat cheese, smoked gouda…”
Me: (As I interrupt once more) “Do you have mozzarella???”
Server: “Yes, but would you like me to add black garlic, smoked sea salt, citrus zest, fennel pollen, or the essence of the day? It’s oxygen infused rainbow spritzed ground flower petals that can only be found on the north side of a volcano, harvested by monks under a full moon that falls on the third Tuesday of the month.”
Do I even need to get into the extravagant and odd toppings offered now?
Banana, grapes, pickles, pecans, tuna, macaroni and cheese…Oh, and let’s not forget the rich people pizzas; Wagyu beef, caviar, lobster, even gold flakes.
Old school Italian pizza masters would be sad…
Let’s talk about dessert pizzas…
Chocolate syrup.
Marshmallows.
Cookie dough.
Sprinkles.
Cotton candy.
These are not pizza. They are simply questionable life choices and a cry for help.
Enough said.
Let’s Get Back to Basics
A perfect doughy bread crust.
Thick, sweet sauce.
Mozzarella cheese.
And a little grease that instantly ruins the napkin but somehow makes everything better.
Sometimes the greatest food innovation is remembering why people loved it in the first place.
If a pizza has ingredients I can’t pronounce, I probably can’t afford it. I need maximum pizza and maximum flavor, at maximum value. In short, I’m not sophisticated. I’m hungry.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to order a “normal pizza” before someone decides it’s not cool anymore to have simple pizza on the menu
~ Marty The Pizza Guy ~
Note: This is intended to be a sarcastic, satirical, but fact based post. I know it will upset some people because how dare I question unique, experimental pizza choices. Quite frankly, I don’t care what you put on your pizza. As long as you’re still eating pizza you’ll always be welcome in the pizza family! We won’t disown you, but we might stare at you a little and make some comments 😁.
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